#TUTS23: 2022 - A Recounting.

In which I attempt to visualize the blurry memories of the past year.

(Let’s do that thing where I pretend to not have been off for almost a year, thank you)

February 3rd, 2022. Picture Credit: Dan Ayodele

Ever since I got back to Ilorin some days ago, I have been acutely aware of the stillness and silence in my room. It grips me at random moments and I have caught myself staring out of my window many times as I sit at my desk. It is a sharp contrast to my room in Ibadan, where one of the ten sentences I utter was me telling my 5yr old sister to shush. She was always following me around and she is the direct opposite of a quiet reserved girl (at least when she’s at home). Here, at home, there is always a flurry of activity and the house was rarely ever quiet —except at night. My sisters in the kitchen or their room, my mum on the phone or my dad concerning himself with whatever new renovation he’s currently preoccupied with within the house. Reflecting back, I really do miss the background activity/noise and many times, while staring out the window I am left yearning for my sister’s voice asking for the hundredth time what the time was (even though I doubt if she’s fully grasped the concept of time).

Now, at my desk I find my thoughts circling back to how much time I have left here, and relatedly how the past year went. I honestly can’t say it was a year that asked questions or one that provided answers. A lot of it is a blur, the major reason why writing this is so hard. I am thumbing through my gallery in a bid to remember how this year went and one striking thought in the midst of many is that I gained a lot more clarity about my life’s goals and career paths. This has been so freeing in that I am less likely to measure my life as it is right now to some arbitrary metric or someone else’s life. I am not behind, I do not need to catch up and I am right where I am meant to be, Alhamdulillah!

Arguably, this is not as straightforward as I just made it sound, but that isn't the premise of this newsletter, so focus. 2022 in review. 

On the 31st of December, 2021, I met up with a number of my friends at Korede’s place. Most of us in this group had done our A’levels together some nine years ago. The group has since swelled with partners and roommates but it was still an intimate gathering. On this day, we talked about the ending year and plans for the next. I had only two things to tick off: Get my MB; BS degree and publish a couple of stories that firmly interested me. I wasn’t asking for much, I just needed these two and my year would be made. Unfortunately, not only were these two not fully realized but I got hit with so many things out of my control, my health a huge part of this, and I was left flailing as the months progressed, struggling to hang on, the depths of which is contained in my journal. 

I have since learnt the futility of hanging the validity of a year solely on ticking off certain accomplishments, of holding out so fervently for one thing while blatantly ignoring everything else. I have re-realized that reality won’t bend to my wishes and no matter how much I attempt to deny (or avoid facing) reality, it simply won’t be if it isn't meant to be. I had previously believed I understood what helplessness looked and felt like, but it is a new different thing when hopelessness clings to this and suffocates you till you have no choice but to lend yourself to the unfolding tide.

The first month went on smoothly like the year was really going to do my bidding. Attended clinical and academic training in surgical subspecialties, went out with friends,  met new people, traveled, hiked frequently, had weird food obsessions, was even gifted a cat which was the ultimate LOML for months, went on to have my birthday and alla the fun stuff. Q1 was so good my google photos made a highlight and titled it “Love and laughter’.

The challenges came insidiously after the first quarter. Health issues at first. I had to do a series of tests, the results of which necessitated that I had surgery done. My college decided it would abide strictly by the ASUU strike which had commenced in the second month. This was going to affect my class significantly and I could feel my hold slip slowly on the dream. Ramadan was around this period so I headed to my parents for a month or so. A month I just zombie’d through. Struggled with sleep, and appetite, felt stuck, was constantly tired and had so many breakdowns, bless my parents because looking back now I must’ve been quite a handful. It was during this period I gave up on a lot of social interactions and even though things are multiple times better, I doubt I’ll be picking that up anytime soon.

I eventually had the surgery I needed at the end of Q2, which also came with complications but Alhamdulillah it's somewhat behind me now. We resumed clinical sessions back in college but it was really just running on the same spot since we were still stuck academically so that did little to ease any anxiety. Had the worst ‘breakdown’ in August which lasted about two weeks. This eventually saw me take active steps to stem the waves. Q3 was the point where things started to change, and then my friend was getting married and I was to be the Chief Bridesmaid! For some reason, I was so excited about this and shouted this in the direction of whoever cared to listen.

October 1st, 2022

Hope, I have since learnt, is an active pursuit that has to be worked on daily. Back-breaking work truly but this is what resilience is borne of. To bend instead of breaking, to arch your back and rake towards yourself, to lend yourself to the tide and swim with it, gathering enough thrust and moving. I think this is what I lost sight of, and the year truly got out of my hands and I was too exhausted and hopeless to do much about it. I am beyond grateful that that is in the past now, Alhamdulillah. 

I am thumbing through my pictures in Q4 and the change is very obvious. Although we had resumed and I had a barrage of exams and was thrust into my last surgery posting, I didn’t hate it. My smiles were wider, I was tending new friendships, deepening some old ones, regaining my faith and going out more. Truly, the year was not all bleak, even though it seemed so in the middle of it. An essential anchor for me was the fact that there’s always love at home. I am grateful for the gift of love and of family. And even though our five-year-old was always talking and following me around, spending the end of the year back at home was a healing balm for me. 

One big takeaway is that I know now how many of my interests seem to be random but all are really connected in some way. I have learnt to show up for myself but now I’m learning to trust that the dots will connect in hindsight. I gained more clarity over what I want to do with this one life and even though it is not fully defined, I know what I do not want to do and I am excited to continue unspooling and find that common thread that makes my heart sing. Stepping on hospital grounds this year after my 11-day break at home, I was filled with warmth and this was the confirmation that I am where I need to be, Alhamdulillah.

November 19th, 2022. Picture Credit: Barakah bint Mahmoud

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If you know me well, one of my favourite things is taking pictures of people, random things and ofc myself. I also enjoyed taking little video clips and editing them — all of these the major reason why I got a Pixel. Anyways, late last year, I decided to start a YouTube channel for the fun of it, my mum got me a tripod and I did. These days, video editing is one of the things that can immediately get me in a flow state and I hope to keep pursuing that as long as I am interested in it.

Although I didn’t publicly share anything about my videos until recently when I’ll drop links occasionally on my IG stories, I have recently clocked 20k+ views so they might not be as cringe as I thought they were (or that they are and that in itself is not a big deal). You can drop by for a look-see and subscribe if you enjoy what you see.

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I could go on and on, many things I feel inclined to share with you, Beloved, but brevity is the soul of business or something like that. It’s a new year and I’ll admit I am a little scared but I am very much hopeful and open and I hope 2023 is a lot better than the last.

Thanks, Beloved, for reading to the end.

PS: Welcome, new subscribers, thanks for being here. And for everyone who recommended my newsletters in theirs (even though I haven't published in close to a year), thank you so much for reading me and supporting my work. 

PPS: This was hastily edited, so all errors are largely my faults and not because MT, Ejura, MOB, and Rose were constantly dragging me to publish an issue. Thank you so much for not letting my edges breathe, it is very validating knowing you are out there waiting by your phones, constantly refreshing your mailboxes for my mail. I know, an exaggeration but you get the idea. THANK YOU!