#TUTS24: The end of a thing.

Relief and gratitude at being done, surprise at not feeling the full mirth of this achievement, and apprehension at the next phase.

Jul 10, 2023

On Thursday, the 18th of May, after about twenty minutes of convincing a visiting Professor as well as a Medical Consultant in my school that I can make a spot diagnosis off an x-ray film, develop a management plan for said diagnosis, decide when a patient needs a tracheostomy tube and a bunch of other things, I was eventually able to satisfy them both that I am not a hazard to a potential surgical patient and that marked my final assessment in medical school.

Three days before this, I had gone through a similar process, albeit in an impromptu fashion. This time, it was with two senior consultants, one in Medicine, the other in Psychiatry. Both were senior consultants, and this fact made it even more dreadful than it was originally. Alhamdulillah, it took even less time to convince them and I was out of the room before the allotted time ran out.

These scenarios were viva voce, and it was one out of many assessment modalities making up my final exams in medical school. It is an interview-style assessment and anything could be thrown at you, so the preparation and time leading up to it is usually chaotic. But then, I’m no stranger to that, especially in light of my final exams which lasted two weeks, and included three weeks of preparation directly off the back of a clinical EOP exam, so it’s safe to say I had been in exam mode for over eight weeks. It’s 8:14 am on a Wednesday in June and I almost still can’t believe that I am done done with medical school. I am so full of relief and gratitude and keep muttering Alhamdulillah. Bagging an MBBS is the most backbreaking academic thing I have ever had to work for yet, literally, everything pales in comparison, and I am so glad it is over now.

Returning Home

This was a little over a one month ago and since then I've been barraged with various forms of emotions; relief and gratitude at being done, surprise at not feeling the full mirth of this achievement, listlessness at my unstructured days, and apprehension at the next phase. I have been home too, and as I live and breathe, I doubt I'll ever forget my mum and three sisters hugging me even before I entered the gates of my house, letting me go, doing little dances and having me in a group hug again. Or later that evening my dad kissing my forehead and saying in a low voice “thank you for not giving up”. May was beautiful cl❤️

As social beings, I am well aware that most of everything you do influences and/or is influenced by other people, no man is in a vacuum but I guess I forgot how very beautiful shared joy is. The way people’s excitement at your success jumpstarts yours when you’re feeling inclined to tick things off and move on. Your life is not solely your life, your accomplishments are not just your own, but also of the many people who have been the windbreakers in the storm that your life is, the trees protecting your garden, awon igi leyin ogba.

Being home for the first time this year with no study plans, I had the time to slowly take things in and what I found was places seemed more expansive in my memory than they really were. In my recollection of things, the buildings, the spaces etc seemed to have occupied a larger area than I remember. People, too, larger than life. It almost seemed to me that nostalgia shrunk things down and now I am left seeing things exist as a fraction of what I thought they were. This is a thing I am still attempting to understand so pardon me if it’s not well fleshed out. Let me know if you have similar experiences.

When we started talking about days eight to ten years in the past, unearthing memories/synonyms I didn't know I had while walking through streets and schools in my neighbourhood with my sisters, I was reminded of a previous issue I referenced about people sometimes being the custodian of your memories, and how this almost always hold true.

Also, in Ibadan, I had a weekend with my friends, and it was the most fun-filled weekend I’d had in a long time. I’m continually impressed by the passage of time and how it imprints upon each of us: our daily routines, our interests, and even our relationships. Even more impressed by how much we have grown and how easily we have seemingly difficult conversations with one another, from relationships to mid-term plans and even finances etc. Also how we jump from this to wiping one another at the games table and having fun even in the middle of the night. Looking forward to doing more of life with them and the potential expansion of the circle with partners, kids etc.

Moving ahead

In Ilorin, I am slowly packing up my things and saying goodbye to this city that I fell in and out of love with over the past nine years. I am slowly earmarking things I want to keep, those to sell off, unclasping my sentimental bonds with inanimate things that have held my head, and my body, and seen me at my worst. Dependable objects with no choice but to stay. Also doing with people, but with the hope that the bonds that matter stay unsevered.

This relocation does not seem very grand as it is the dictates of time that’s making me do this, and because that’s what is expected of me and my mates but oftentimes it hits me that I am finally on the cusp (of the full trappings) of adulthood, and that is both exciting and unfamiliar.

I'm not a big fan of transitory periods, and this is probably due to my dislike for loose ends and unfinished businesses. I'm not a good waiter but I am looking forward and I am cautiously excited to start the new phase of my life. These are the days of my life, the good old days, and I shall rejoice in them; recognizing where I am and overall the joy and gratitude.

Also, this issue is a sort of update to this issue I talked about failure. It did end beautifully, Beloved. I know it’s cliche to say, but I did see why it happened the way it did. It’s a conversation that I've had with a couple of friends in that it was a sit-up call. I was so sick and tired of medicine that if I told my past self that I do find my insides tingling with excitement when I enter the hospital or that I am most often than not excited for lectures, she would be incredulously speechless. I know now that I’ll miss the lectures (I’m sure old M is giving me the side-eye rn).

I have a much deeper appreciation and excitement for medicine that now I am certain I want to pursue it further as opposed to where I was years ago. If I had gone on, the apathy might have gotten worse. Or not. Of course, I wish it hadn’t happened, but I am here now with a full heart and I can see the collateral beauty.

Some Saves

I have been reading on and off these days. And my last favourites are:

My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh
Seven Days in June by Tia Williams.

Both of these seem apt considering my current phase of life and the month I read them. Both I’ll definitely recommend.

Also, I filmed a lot during my last few weeks in school and I am slowly editing tons of footage and putting them up on my youtube channel. If you are so inclined, please stop by.

Maryam's Youtube Channel

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Thank you for reading up until this point. I hope to do more of this, and I plan on tweaking the topics here soon enough. I hope you stick around. Ciao!